🍋 Why does nonviolent communication (NVC) fail with a parent you find stubborn?

You suggest something to your father or your mother, and they say no. Nonviolent communication, NVC, and the other communication tools change nothing. Not because NVC does not work, but because it is not the right tool for the conversation you are having.

I am not talking about a dependent parent. I am talking about your father or your mother, with whom communication is difficult. They may be in good health today. They are still lucid, and they decide for themselves.

If your parent is 75 or over, you are probably between 45 and 65 years old. You have already been on personal development courses. You know that communication takes two.

You do not need advice you have already seen, read, learned, practised. This guide does not explain nonviolent communication to you again: it tells you why it is not enough here.

Whether you live with them, near them or far away, with the telephone between the two of you, the scene is the same: you propose, they refuse.

And yet, nothing works. You suggest something, they say no. You come away dissatisfied: the conversation has not moved forward.

And deep down, you think you know why.

So what is the point of learning tools like NVC if, with your parent, communication is blocked? Why do these tools stop working when you talk to a stubborn relative?

The problem is not the tool. The problem is that we have not understood that there are several types of conversation.

Here are six. There are others:

• the one where you are in a real exchange;
• the one where you want the other person to understand and accept your point of view;
• the one where you do not want to lose face;
• the one where they do not want to accept being told what to do;
• the one where you are going to lose your composure, and you do not know how to handle it;
• the one where you use the tools to get the other person to follow your plan.

Read the list again, thinking of your last conversation with them. Which one was it? And which one did you think you were having?

For a tool to work, you have to know what type of conversation you are going to have.

If your parent wants to protect their integrity by refusing all your proposals, NVC will not be useful.

Not because it does not work, but because it is not the right tool.

Their integrity. What they are often protecting is their pride, or the fear of being a burden.

It is the conversation where nobody wants to lose face. And the more you insist, the harder it gets.

I devoted a passage of 👉 Help! Who's Going to Take Care of My Parents? to this refusal.

So, what should you do? It depends. There is no universal answer.

Before you speak to your parent, on the telephone or face to face, you can ask yourself a question: do I want to talk with them, or do I want them to say yes?

If it is the yes that you want, no communication tool will give it to you. It is the conversation where you use the tools to get the other person to follow your plan.

You cannot impose your point of view. Although: you can use force to get what you want, or blackmail, or try. It may work.

But forcing creates resistance. I do not recommend them.

I think the best form of communication is to arrive face to face with the other person accepting that they are 100% responsible for their choices, their thoughts, their behaviour, the story they choose to tell themselves. And so am I.

In simple terms: you cannot change your parent. But if their behaviour, their words, their choices sadden you, rattle you or irritate you, you can accept their point of view.

Recognise that their point of view has the right to exist. Respect it, while profoundly disagreeing. I also talk about it in 👉 Why try to change your parent when you're the one who's hurting?.

Your parent is responsible for their life, for their torments, for their illness if they have one. They are free to walk straight into the wall.

And sometimes, it is precisely because you accept their decision that they let go. And things work out.

Concretely, before the next conversation, you can ask yourself the question: do I want to talk with them, or do I want them to say yes? You then arrive without trying to make them accept your plan.

You no longer have to convince them. And they keep control of their choices: they no longer have to defend themselves.

This guide does not promise you that they will say yes. It does not tell you what to answer them: it helps you know which conversation you are having.

If you have a brother or a sister, the list of conversations can be useful to them too, before the next family discussion. To organise yourselves together: 👉 How do you share the roles with your siblings when a parent is getting older?.

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Sources used (3)

#	Fact cited	Link
1	The book devotes a passage to the parent's refusal	👉 Help! Who's Going to Take Care of My Parents?
2	The cross-reference to the guide on the parent you want to change	👉 Why try to change your parent when you're the one who's hurting?
3	The cross-reference to the guide on siblings	👉 How do you share the roles with your siblings when a parent is getting older?